Elvis has left the building…

I’m cold. Stone-faced, frozen. Jaw clenched. Tongue pressed to mouth’s roof. I force myself  into  a  flat  state;  afraid  to  feel.  My  gaze  is  fixed,  on  anything;  on  nothing.  My fingers move mechanically.

My first-born beloved niece is getting married today. I am not there.

Joyous celebration eerily rings.

Marriages  torn  apart, imploded, do not merely represent two people no longer  together.  It rips your soul, your identity to shreds. Over half of my life simply ceased to exist

in a flurry of senseless chaos.

Sword sliced.

A cruel hack job.

Mental illness, bah!

I despise your cruelty.

I have remained silent in all of it. Unable to communicate. Disbelief. Shock. Delirium.

I want to get completely fall-down-inebriated drunk. I won’t. My throat is a basketball. I ought to take it to the Lord. He knows I know and I mentioned it to Him I am sure. I cannot open my mouth to utter words. I have not come so close to throwing up due to emotional reasons since I was a child. The repeated kicks to my  gut are nearly too  much to bare.

No more please.

Nearly as bad as when this dear child’s mother passed from cancer. A different quality.

Only now, I remain apart and alone in my anguish. I silently scream.

Through a looking glass. An outsider in my once treasured family.

Wedding glass

I am at my parents in the midst of making dinner but am not here.

The true arch enemy of my soul though has been identified;

and yet I WILL praise my Lord and my God.

Just give me this time to wallow, to grieve yet another loss.

To sit in it and not run. For once, to stop running.

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The Road Back – Part 1

The Road Back

A category such as “Recovery” seems quite the vague idea. Recovery from what?  There are so many things a person can recover from; a death of a loved one (spouse, child, parent, or any significant person in your life), death of dreams, divorce, infidelity, infertility journey, accident and injury, abuse and trauma in its many various forms, addictions in its many forms, a physical and/or mental illness, betrayal, a breakdown, a breakup, loss of a job, financial bankruptcy, loss of your home and the list can go on.

I have experienced many of these things and I am not so sure we ever truly recover. We will not be what we once were. We are changed. We are different. We are stronger, hopefully. What we do is accept and graft it into the fabric of our lives. It takes time. Difficult? You bet it is!  We grieve, we cry, we rage in anger sometimes, we scream and stomp our feet like a two-year-old not getting our way. We question God and His goodness. Why God? Why? Are you there God? Where are you? Why won’t you answer me? For me, it just was. I did not question. I knew why. I just did not like it; not one bit. Mine was how long God… how long must I endure? God help me!

We seek to blame something, someone, anything. And we experience the vast array of emotions that we have been gifted with that makes being human so unique, such a blessing. Such agony! We claw, work and feel our way back.

Or the alternative; we grow bitter, resentful and angry. We retreat and say the hell with it all and withdraw from life. We might question, “Is this all there is?”

Grinch Stole Christmas Heart SwellsGod’s Word states in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” I do love Him, sometimes only weakly with just a bare glimmer. Sometimes I love Him and others with the same swelling heart that the Grinch Who Stole Christmas at the end finally had for the Who’s of Whoville.

Grinch Stole Christmas Heart Swells Face Glows 2

I am still waiting for this good though, to see it, to feel it, to taste it. I may not know all the good that might come of it this side of Heaven, but I can sure tell you the flip side of the good; the unending ache. The soul-sucking-I-cannot-breath-nor-do-I want-to-crushing feeling. And no, I am not having a heart attack or a panic attack. Honestly, I feel rather numb. It quiets the ache. But it is the unending ache that sends me seeking out the protection and comfort of my God. Psalm 90:1, 2 says, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ ” I cling to this. I cling to the very words of God, cause frankly, sometimes, it/He is all I have left. It/He is my only shred, my only link to sanity. It/He is the only thing that makes sense.

Road Back Home - Frodo - There is no going back

All I want is to run home, to feel the strong embrace of my once betrothed, but somewhere in my mind… this vague notion… there is no home for me now though. I see you Frodo and know. God, you are my home. Please hold me!

Sometimes in my most broken times, I clasp my Bible and draw it close to my chest. I wrap my arms around its black leather cover and crinkly transparent pages and I weep. With my heaving sobs, I am comforted knowing that “Jesus wept” too. And I sense His presence with the embrace of His Word to me and to the world. The healing begins. This is the year for me to stand, to face my giants and to stop running.

In my gut, my soul and spirit though, as I write and begin to meditate on God’s Word, my taste buds are beginning to burst. This “good” spoken of in Romans 8:28. My salivary glands are becoming moist as the River of Life fills me up. The same Living Water that was experienced by the woman at the well upon meeting Jesus, the promised Messiah. There are so many things I want to say… to encourage… and to strengthen. But the whole proverbial elephant cannot be eaten in one fell swoop. One post at a time. If no one should ever read this, I am okay with that. For this is my journey with God. My Recovery Road Back of learning, “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your (my) God” (Micah 6:8).

I dance for the Lord and Him alone. I want to please my Creator as a young child seeks to please and love their earthly mom and dad. I want to walk like Enoch. To fly, to be caught up into the sky to meet my Bridegroom.  One day. One day soon.

Dance to the Lord - Joy comes in the morning Psalm 30 - 5

And yet as I pray and meditate and commit my way to Him, I sense this rising familiar voice. It flicks its hissing tongue. It’s hideous! A sense of defiance, a rebellion that still resists. It persists. I cannot explain it. I want it gone. Long ago, it was not there. A war continues to be waged in places I cannot see. If we only knew. If we only knew. Lord come quickly.

End Part 1 of 2.  For “The Road Back – Part 2” – follow the arrows ⇒⇒⇒.

 

 

Impeccable Timing

Clocks

I am not 100% (sure that is), but I think this impeccable timing is something God is responsible for in bringing about. I don’t believe in mere coincidence.  I am beginning a journey using various tools to sort out the next path for my life. It is important to get it in the ballpark and keep it in the ballpark. I have a way of wandering not only into the bleachers, but often the bleachers and ballparks on other continents. Ever wonder about ADD/ADHD, a good source is www.totallyadd.com.

The author and mastermind of TotallyADD.com is Rick Green, who was also one of the instrumental creatives behind the long-running and successful The Red Green Show. Interesting read and read and read! It’s funny too. Done with the same wit and charm he is known for in his characters.  He is pictured here with co-star and fellow Dx’d Patrick McKenna. And I don’t care what the New York Times says, it’s real.

So back to the impeccable timing.

Upon shifting gears in a homework assignment  for a course I am finishing, I found a ‘new item’ in my Outlook Inbox. I am setting this ‘new item’ in my toolbox next to my hammer. (How’s your tongue? 🙂 ) It looks intriguing and worthy of checking into. The reason for the impeccable non-coincidental quality is due to the fact that the dear friend who sent it, did not realize I am embarking on this journey. Right now! The other reason is that for the last 3/4 of a year, we each have been flying on separate planes and at different altitudes. It seems kinda funny that today… now… as I log in that it should appear.

The light-bulb link to the right Dr. Caroline Leaf eloquently stated in its opening paragraph, my reason for this diary blog of sorts. “…You have a unique gift, different from anyone else’s, to fulfill your purpose in this world. Don’t miss special guest Dr. Caroline Leaf as she shares on how to find and use this special gift.” Yep, that’s where I am at. You may listen here or click on the light-bulb with the leaf in it.

At 50 years of age, I don’t have time to waste. So I am going to check it out further. It sounds a great deal like regular CBT, but with a twist. Perhaps I will let you know what I think of it.

God has perfect timing; never early, never late.
It takes a little patience
       and a whole lot
             of faith…
  But it’s worth the wait!

Cheerio

Laurabeee

P.S. There is a bit more detail on my first post about this CBT journey here.